Single(d) Out: Being Relational Without a Relationship

How good and pleasant it is
when God’s people live together in unity!

From the first scene I watched of the pilot of the tv show Community, I was completely sold. Not only did it appeal to my love of pop culture, specifically of the more nerdy vein, but all of the characters were so well portrayed, well acted, and well written. There’s a realness about its examination of a dysfunctional but loving group of misfits, ‘freaks,’ and geeks (another great show).

One episode in particular I love is Paradigms of Human Memory. A classic clip show episode, the whole group fights about how certain members of the group (Jeff and Britta) have been selfish and holding little regard for other members of the group. As the fight progresses, more and more of the members remembers specific memories of the study group; the good, the bad, and the ugly. This includes previous shouting matches between group members, eccentric and quirky moments of each specific character, and so many good and quotable lines in between. In fact, although I do find the show particularly funny, I actually remember each member of the character in such a relatable way I feel as if I am apart of the community.

The way I feel about the show is felt by all people toward other specific tv shows, movies, or books. Whether it be Friends, How I Met Your Mother, Firefly, New Girl, Lord of the Rings, Stranger Things, A Song of Ice & Fire, The Office, Parks & Rec, etc. (apologies for any story omissions). Good stories provide the reader, watcher, and participant a means to plug into a fictional community as an unofficial, additional member. This is proof of effective storytelling if the audience connects so profoundly.

Something about portraying the trouble, the joy, and the confusion of being ‘apart’ of a group is particularly enticing. When in the 80s and 90s tv began to migrate away from solely family sitcoms, shows like Seinfeld, Cheers, and the like gave rise to shows about the ‘familyhood’ of friends who met each other with some regularity.

Living in Portland for about eight years now, I am amazed at how rare the dynamic of a ‘group’ of friends is while also being so enviably sought after. I’ve run the gamut of friendship relationships; close connections formed and ended in weeks, folks I disliked initially later turning into close and long-lasting friends, and everything in between. The art of friendship is slowly fading, however, as more and more people focus on career advancement, school advancement, personal advancement, etc. Some of this is not the fault of millennials; it is the fault of a system that denies human needs while exacerbating human wants.

This past thanksgiving, I was so very blessed to have two holidays. One with my biological family on Wednesday, the other with a family of friends on Thursday itself. What amazed me is how it was the first time that, while having single as a 'status,’ I wasn’t fixated on that state. Immersed in the moment of being fully accepted, embraced, and loved by the group I was apart of, I felt entirely complete. Entirely present. Entirely free to be me.

To be human is to be around other humans as fully yourself. This is how God intended for His families to work.

But, connecting back to the system thing, we live in a world designed to make us not be fully ourselves in community. In my post about shame, I described how quickly we are ashamed of our shame. Shame, in fact, pushes us to isolate because of its power.

And a person isolated is a person in need, while the world provides answers for what an isolated person wants while also further deepening their need.

For years, I wanted a romantic relationship. Even now, I struggle at times thinking it is what I need. But on that Wednesday and on that Thursday, I had what I needed. I was plugged in with brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers. I was able to love and be loved, able to give and be given to, able to laugh heartily and deeply.

We are wired for connection. And I’m not talking about sex.

Sexuality itself, though obviously having to do with sex, has abundantly more to do with being known than about enjoying the naked body of another person.

So when I have heard the following from people, however well intentioned, something about it rang hollow.

“You’re single? Get a new hobby.”

“Advance in your career.”

“Go on more solo adventures.”

Ie, if you are feeling lonely, do more things. By yourself.

Now, there is definitely truth to singleness providing more free time to do all of the things mentioned above. Acquiring new hobbies can give a new source of joy and creativity. Advancing further in your career can provide additional fulfillment. Doing trips on your own can increase self-sufficiency and resiliency.

But, can we talk? Can we be real?

If you are feeling lonely, your body is telling you through your emotions that you need to connect with someone else. God designed it this way. He was the one who said it is not good for man to be alone.

So while you might not have a relationship (and even if you do), you have to be relational with others to function well in the kingdom of God.

This isn’t easy, though. Unfortunately, relationships of the past are sources of our deepest pain. Our deepest wounds were caused by our deepest connections going awry. We wanted to be seen, to be known, and to be loved. But along the way, people let us down. We let other people down. And we left feeling more broken for having known others deeply and it failing than if we had known others shallowly and it still failing.

We operate out of relational fear.

“What if they don’t like me?”

“What if I won’t belong?”

“What if they are just ‘being nice?’”

“What if they leave?”

All these questions we tell ourselves serve to protect us but also constrict us. Although it is wise to boundary yourself from others not ready to be known, if you want to fill your loneliness, you can only fill it with relationship.

Relationship to God, to others, and to the self. No man is an island. Nobody can thrive without others. God Himself’s primary essence is of relationship.

In the closing scene of the Community episode, Jeff, the aforementioned “selfish” member of the group, gives what fans of the show call a Winger speech. Feeling convicted by the group’s rightful mention of his selfish antics, he wraps up his message about the group’s cohesive and suboptimal love for each other with this quote.

“So maybe we are caught in an endless cycle of screw-ups and hurt feelings, but I choose to believe it is the universe’s way of molding us into some kind of super group… prepared for any insane adventure life throws our way. And I don’t know about you, but I am looking forward to every one of them.”

Starting off as a selfish, ego-centric former lawyer, Jeff is still, often, a selfish, ego-centric former lawyer. But in the process of drawing close to his “community,” he finds out that his pursuit of vanity and sensual excess continually left him empty while returning back, over and over again, to the study group, brought him fullness.

So then, whether you be singled out, relationally set, or somehow perhaps in the middle, it is in community where life is found. We might hurt each other, offend one another, and wound each other, but is through friendship and family that we heal from the pain of friendship and family of the past.

Forgive one another, seventy times seven, as Jesus tells us, and take the risk of seeking community. It’ll be hard, but finding your place in a specific group of weirdos is exactly what the New Testament calls for us to do as followers of Christ.

To the group of weirdos I am apart of, this post is for y’all. Thank you for including me.

(PS, think I’ll do a round two but specifically about dating. Stay tuned.)