9 Blessings for 9 Wounds
It was a really hard season at work. Due to unforeseen policy changes and program additions outside of everyone’s control, we were unprepared to provide the necessary care of new, highly needy kids. As such, suddenly a colleague and I (mainly my colleague) were tasked with helping provide care to students we didn’t know and whose needs were far beyond what we were used to.
It only took one day before I got a major panic attack. Long story short, because of some of the high needs of certain students and the high level of agitation of other students, we were tasked with protecting students from violent outbursts of others. And these were older, larger, more damaging middle-school aged kids.
This put me into a highly stressful situation I hadn’t experienced until years earlier, in a context where I was not treated well in a similar way. Suffice to say, I seriously considered quitting my job and trying something new only after one day of intensity. That’s what happens during a PTSD moment; you operate with a charged feeling of fight, flight, or freeze.
I was “flying.” My heart was beating really heavily and also irregularly. My mind was racing in every direction. I even called the suicide hotline; not because I really contemplated anything seriously, but because I was that distraught.
The next day, I texted two of my closest friends; my sister and my Xbox bff. Both are less emotionally charged than I am. Both of them are reliable, steadfast, calm. My sister is an 8 and Vince is a 5. I told them I had thoughts, but just thoughts. I told them because, as I’ve written before, letting others know you are imagining it helps stop the fantasy, stop the escaping, stop the manic train of consciousness. And also, being a 4, I was reckoning with how no feeling is final. I am the ocean, not the waves. I am the mountain, not the clouds. That sort of thing.
A few days had passed, and although I grew nervous whenever I saw an admin because I thought they would put me back into the room and back into the emotionally compromising spot, it was the weekend. Thank God. I went to my beloved coffee shop (because this was far before the present end of the world doomsday), and opened up my computer. Oh the relief of a blank white page to give one solace and comfort.
Suddenly I got a call. From Vince. Odd, because usually we communicate via flying cars, swashbuckling pirates, or by commanding vikings to conquer other vikings. I answered. He was crying. Full-fledged initial break of an avalanche emotion. I was flabbergasted into complete quiet when usually I just don’t know when to shut up.
But you don’t know yet why this was so surprising. I did this kind of thing with Vince all the time. We 4s are in touch with our emotions. We are TOO in touch with our emotions. So he heard all about how it was the end of the world because she said no or because that teacher was being rude or because that kid slapped me for the fourth time in two weeks. But whenever I asked him the token “how’re you doing?” “What’s going on in your life?” “How do you feel about that?”
Long stretches of silence (with deep thought). Several murmurs of “interesting” (as he seriously pondered the intellectual implications of my emotional ramblings). And almost always some sort of semantic variation of “let me think about that” (which he always did and which always brought back treasure when he did respond).
Unfortunately, before my obsession into the nine-pointed satan star, I joked he had no emotions. This stemmed from my own insecurity of being way too emotional. Thankfully I no longer say these kinds of things. Because it’s never been true. This phone call confirmed this.
Hardly able to speak, he finally uttered, “I just don’t know what I would do if you weren’t in my life.”
I think I have another blog for another time all about the importance of deep same gendered friendships. Yet suffice to say, I knew then, or, rather, found further confirmation that this friendship I had randomly stumbled into through an obscure mention of Halo and through shared air guitaring of Iron Maiden at a dingey bar in SE Portland was profoundly spiritual.
And now, with a more all encompassing understanding of the Enneagram, I now understand truly how sacred that moment was. Because, as you will see (and many experts agree), the Enneagram is less a system of 9 personalities and/or 9 sets of cognitive functioning but rather 9 sets of motivations we exist in that reinforce a given reality. Said differently, perhaps even better, the Enneagram contends there are 9 stories we live into that, frankly, aren’t true. Indeed, the best approach is to see the Enneagram as revealing 9 different virtues of the divinity of God. We in the west, especially in Christianity, tend to focus on our crap.
But this post isn’t about that. This is one nerdily obsessed guy giving you, the reader, a specific blessing based on all of my incessant reading, constantly relistening of podcasts, and friendships with each of the nine blessings revealed through the beauty of distinct people unveiling the image of God. There are nine categories, but infinite possibility to reveal such wonder and power within those nine. I hope you see that after reading this.
(Without nominal understanding of it, this post may not make much sense. I recommend the podcast Typology, the book The Road Back to You, and my own piece about it here.)
I’m just doing bullet point list style, starting with type 1s and ending with type 9s. I hope this is a blessing!
Y'all are so naturally good at heart. Hear this, believe this, trust this. That nagging punk who berates and batters you all day long is just that; a punk. Wherever you go, you tend to make things better. Can you be too critical? Yes. Can you have a hard time having a good time? Yes. But your innate desire to improve things for others and for yourself is absolutely wonderful. Without you would come no reform, no enhancement, no informed wisdom. Without each of your desperate stretches for the ideal, we would be a much more disordered world. The oppressed would be more oppressed without the one standing opposed to that oppression merely on the idea of it not being right. Although you may be black and white about too many things, you are black and white about more things that matter than every other number. Follow your ideal, especially when it is for the true and altruistic benefit of others (and yourself). Tell jokes. Laugh deeply. Tease yourself, and especially that mean voice in your head. When you are at peace, we all tend to feel at peace too. And understand that those who love you, who know you, who trust you, all rely and depend on you to do the right thing because you are the right thing. Integrity comes easily for you, and for this we are all blessed. So keep reforming, keep changing, keep looking for how things can be better. So too, learn to let go of the need for all things to be right, trusting that, with the promises of God, all things will, one day, be made right again.
Y’all so naturally give and give and give. You are the first to care for the poor, care for the needy, the first to hear Christ’s call to come and save the lost. This is beautiful, this is wonderful, and y’all are generally the first people to bring the gospel of love to those who need it the most. Yet, you need this gospel as much as anyone else. Perhaps even more. Not because you are more unlovable than everyone else, but precisely because you strive to love more than everyone else. Trust in your place in the Beloved embrace of God. Know that the way you give is needed in this world. Yet, take caution that you give not because you want to get. If you need to get (which we all need to, you aren’t alone in seeming “needy”), get from God. And, as well, get from yourself. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. That shame gremlin which tells you that you aren’t worthy of love is, just that, a gremlin. It is not the voice of love. It is not the heart posture of God. It is the opposite of the truth. And it doesn’t compel you to love well. God gave you your immense capacity to care for people. Not the shame gremlin. God has called you to give as a vocation, as a theme of your story, as the cornerstone of your life. But again, you need to give to yourself. This is God’s specific call to you. He loves you as much as everyone else, but He also loves, specifically, your great longing to love and be loved. It isn’t faith or hope that is most important according to the apostle Paul; it is love. You help us more than every other number understand both the wonder and the cost of genuine love. Just make sure that you aren’t costing yourself your very essence. Remember, you are lovely enough to give yourself the love you so freely give to others.
Y’all work so very hard. In fact, you work harder than every other number. Every time a sports broadcasters comments on scrappy players that they “leave it all out there” on the court/the field/the meeting room/the computer screen, they’re likely talking about 3s. This is needed for other numbers who struggle with varying degrees of laziness. We look to you to be reminded why we put all the hours in and never quit even after we have already quit. You inspire us. And, in particular when you are genuine, encourage us to be the best versions of ourselves. Often, in fact, you prophesy about the great potential of those around you. This, specifically, is your rich blessing to all of us. But remember this, dear brothers and sisters; you are so much more than what you do. When you open up, when you let us in, when the walls of career and vocation and success and hustling come down, we see your true, true beauty. Those who love you, respect you, and hunger to see you who you really are, relish every time you are vulnerable. To hear about how those who succeed so often are, in fact, terrified of failure, to watch your tears come as you share how mistakes frighten you, intimidate you, scream messages of shame over you. We want to step into those places, we want to be with you in your mess. Specifically, because when we struggle, when we are frightened, when we think we aren’t creative enough, pretty enough, hard-working enough, you always speak to us the truth that we are. When you are healthy, you inspire health in others. You are self-starters, self-motivators, self-reliant, and you show us how we can be too. Not by being like you, but by being who you see us already as. At your best, you see potential in those you love. And, you push us toward it, even with the fear of being too pushy about it. You want the best for all people, and you start by being the best for yourself. Just remember, again, that those who love you, who truly know you better than others, are not scared or frightened or intimidated by hearing your struggles. If anything, it just reinforces how we can be just as successful as you are because you struggle just as much as we do.
Oh boy… We all bring depth, beauty, and meaning wherever we are present. When people feel aimless, feel empty within, feel like no one understands, feel really hurt, we understand. We never try to fix, and we always make sure others do not feel alone. We are not frightened by scary emotions, and we never turn away people who show their ugly side. We give them unbridled, raw, and wholehearted empathy. This is our gift, but pray, pray, and pray some more for it to not be too much of the curse that it can be. The ways we struggle within are not the ways others see us. Let me say this again because I need to hear it again; the way we think others see us is almost never how others see us. Where we see only melancholy, others see insight. Where we see only sadness, others see wisdom. Where we see only failure, only dashed dreams, only what’s missing, others see what is present. They see people unafraid of engaging with demons. In fact, they then are encouraged to face their own demons because they know their 4 brothers and sisters will be with them every step of the way. Remember, again, that we are the ocean, not the waves. The mountain, not the clouds. Remember, too, no feeling is final. What you feel is not reality. It is real in that it is really felt, but it is not true. God shows beauty through us. Through our hardship, our anguish, our agony, yes, but also, and just as much, in our joy. In our excitement. In our intensity. In our hyper focus on what really matters in life. He sings through our songs, writes through our words, draws through our drawings, creates through our creations. Lean into the deep need to express, but don’t lean into the suffering that sometimes produces our best expressions too much. Ordinary is ok, and is nice, and is, actually, quite wonderful. Nothing is absent, nothing is left out, nothing is missing in our essential wiring. All that we need to give the world dazzling beauty is already within us. God doesn’t make mistakes. We are not a mistake. We are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Y’all are the wisest and most insightful among us. But it is in your quiet, not in your loudness. In your deep concentration, in your heavy research, in your tendency to think for a very long time before giving a response. This causes your responses to be the most informed, most concise, most what we all need to hear in a world filled with unhelpful, reactive based assessments. Yet, do not think we only need your wisdom. We need your heart, the deep, deep well you are very frightened to reveal. When you are ready to do so, when you feel safe, when you know those around you really, really love you, please share your soul. You might believe you don’t have enough within, but that is nonsense. Seeing your soft, heart side is so powerful, especially from those who dwell in that soft space and who so often need your non-attached, direct wisdom. We can, we want, we will allow you to show that side you’ve buried in compartmentalization, that you’ve hidden behind walls and barriers of rich knowledge and clever insights. You are more than your wisdom, more than your mind, more than what you know. You teach us all, especially when you are healthy, to respond with grace, to return foolishness with wisdom, to deflect over-emotionality and instead get to the logical truth. When you compliment us, we are stopped in our tracks. When you show emotion, we all stop, those again who love and respect you, and become so richly blessed that you have found a way to express what you’re feeling even though it is intensely hard to do so. And, too, trust your gut. Sometimes you don’t need all the variables to come to the right conclusion. What you intuitively deduce is often smarter than what you research for weeks and weeks. Your internal compass steers you well, and although your research is valid and important, it isn’t always needed to make the best choice. Y’all are smarter than you ever give yourself credit for.
Y’all are the most loyal and steadfast. In a pinch, when the %$&# hits the fan, we all turn to you. You are prepared, you are willing to help, and you generally desire what is for the best good of all people. Yet, your tendency to not trust yourself is not as grounded as you think it is. You’ve endured a lot of heavy, hard, and stressful times, but you made it through the other side based on your choices and your constant search for advice. Making a good call can definitely be better informed by the wise insight of those who love and trust you, but so too do you need to love and trust your own intuitions. This is why many experts claim that the most “clutch” performers in sports, in a crisis, in an emergency situation, are 6s. Because you spend so much good (but also sometimes needless) energy conceiving of worst case scenario, you are not intimidated by the actual frightening experience at hand. You are calm, composed, and ready. You may struggle with fear a lot, but you are courageous a lot too, just as much if not more so. And, again, you are loyal and dependable. You can’t fill a sexy Instagram feed with your dozens of selfless, “for the greater good” actions but those who love and respect you love and respect them all. You are cautious of authority figures, and you should be. You help us all to not just believe something because it is the common consensus. You are a fierce defender of the underdog, and you notice who is being left out and who is not being served well by common society as well as any other number, if not more so. Trust yourself. You consistently make good choices. Consistently, you face your fear head on and you defeat it. Record these moments, tell each of us about them, cheer for yourself. Lastly, you show us all just how faithful God is because you are so faithful to all of your commitments, all of your friendships, all of the things that matter to you. Thank you for being you.
Y’all are the joy of the world. You lighten us with your excitement and excite us with your lightness. You show us dreary types how to have fun and how important fun is to our heavy hearts and our weary souls. You are very intelligent, and you think and quip and joke and laugh heartily. Your absence is always felt, especially when you follow through on your commitments and consistently bring your enthusiasm to all of the settings you are a part of. But understand this, hear this, believe this; those who love you, who do not take your optimism for granted, we will be there for you when the negativity comes too. You don’t have to dwell on the fantasy of the future to endure the sorrow of the now. We can and will be with you in the midst of your pain, especially because you help those in pain feel genuine joy. The two have a symbiotic connection, so even though it is easy to run to excitement to avoid the pain, this does not and will never deal with the pain. You are dreamers, like us 4s and like 1s. You see so much creative potential, so much hope where there is seemingly only despair. The reframing you do so well, the reframing which helps so many cynics move beyond their negativity, is so needed in our increasingly polarized and depressing world. Yet still, understand that you can’t reframe a loss as actually a gain or pain as just another reason to seek for joy. When you follow through on relationships, when you press into hard circumstances instead of running, when you offer consolation to those around you in their duress, you see the other possibilities of finding joy and excitement in even the dark parts of life. You ensure that those around you will be there for you when your $#%& goes down. Also, you begin to see that true and unadulterated joy and happiness is only real, only full, only the deepest it could ever be when it is really, fully, and deeply felt with others. Because of all the light you bring everyone in every situation, those who love and cherish you will bring you light too when you find yourself in darkness.
Y’all are the justice of the world. You are not intimidated by bullies (save that you yourself do not become one) and you are the first to defend the oppressed and marginalized. The gut instinct you depend on is what the world depends on to speak truth to power. Your fierce resolve to speak the truth no matter what cost is so powerful, so inspiring, and still, so lonely. You do what no other number can do; protect and defend and fight off the evil of the world at the expense of your inner resources. Understand this though; partially with those who respect you but primarily those who love you, so deeply want to hear your vulnerabilities, want to hear your struggles, want to hear where maybe the bullies of life are getting to you too. We are so proud of your constant struggle to resist all things which makes others struggle, but hearing your struggles helps us struggle less too. Like 5s, when you open up, when we see your needy and broken and heavy heart, we softer types, all other types actually, particularly people who love you most, suddenly feel the call to defend you. To protect you. To fight off any of the bullies in your head or the bullies out in the world who dare tread on the one watchdog who always protects us. They say Mother Teresa was an 8 and I believe it. So too was Martin Luther King Jr. So too (unfortunately) is our current president. When you fight for others, don’t get petty. Get eloquent, get concise, get righteous. Channel that good anger for the benefit of others instead of ego gain. It is your love, your heart, your softness, that is the fiercest, most powerful thing about you. We see you and respect you. But those who love you the most see you and love you a lot too.
Y’all are the peace of the world. That’s why you’re often given the title Peacemakers. You are a little bit of all of us all at once. And this is why, sometimes, you tend to fall asleep to yourself. Yet where there is discord, y’all bring harmony. Where there is tension, you bring warmth. Where we all want to fight each other, hurt each other, lash out at each other, you smile at all of us, yearning for us to love each other. You inspire us, like 3s, but indirectly, unlike 3s. You epitomize genuine relaxation, an unassuming and caring posture toward everyone. You tend to bring all sorts of various things to everyone you care about. The problem is you don’t care about yourself. You nurture and empathize, like 2s and 4s, but genuinely forget yourself in the process. So prioritizing all people, especially those who you love most, you don’t prioritize yourself. So immersed in always being at peace within you never step outside of that peace to maybe make decisions that would help you the most. It is something you hear often from Enneagram experts, but as someone who really loves and needs 9s in his life, your presence sorely matters. The way you exude non-anxiousness is effortless, the sweet and caring and kind nature you have without working one iota is so wonderful. But don’t confuse peace for happiness or joy. What you really need, what you really want, what you really desire, matters more than just the desire to have inner peace. Self-advocating is intimidating, and will likely produce conflict because so many exploit your very giving nature, but it is so important. Remember too that most of the rest of us don’t enjoy conflict either, but we respect when you bring up to us what you need, especially those who really love you and don’t want to steal from your gentle nature. Spend energy on those who give back to you, who respect you, who really want the best from you and not just the parts of you that help them. We need you, but you need you too to make a better, more peaceful, more calm world.