Interdependence: The Only Godly "Dependence"
The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.
“I don’t know dude, I think she’s the one.”
I walked away from date number two with the pretty lady. Kissed? Check. Laughing often and heartily? Check. All sorts of affection? Double check.
“I just feel really certain about this.” I texted my hype up romance buddy. I should’ve texted my hype down romance buddy instead. But I didn’t need that BFF’s concise wisdom; I needed the other BFF’s “atta boy, go get her.”
The start of a budding romance? Walked off into the sunset, right? My therapist, a few weeks after the fallout, told me this cryptic, brutal truth.
“If you are highly invested and very close right off the bat, that’s NOT a good thing. It means likely you both are trying to find something in the other person that they could never have. Healthy love is slow.”
Well… shit.
Now what if I told you this scenario has happened more than once? Ok, more than twice? You surely wouldn’t believe more than thrice? And yet this dynamic of rushing, rushing, rushing to the place of a healthy relationship, my aching soul subtly whispered to by a less than legitimate voice, “you’re only as complete as the person you attract.”
Not quite the best start to love, indeed.
I don’t blame anyone. Not any of the women I’ve seen. And no, I’m not even blaming myself anymore either. I’ve been super into them and then they head for the hills. They’ve been super about me, and I’ve, softly but directly, let them off the hook. No one likes doing this crap to anybody. It’s one of those weird scenarios where even though you technically “hurt” someone, you truly, indeed, did nothing wrong. Sometimes things just don’t line up, and that’s ok.
What I’ve been learning during this dystopian era bereft of toilet paper and Christian side hugs is how deep my codependency tendency truly is. There’s a variety of factors, many of which I tell my therapist and my hype down and hype up love BFFs and not on a public blog such as this. Suffice to say, I’ve believed, subtly but deeply, that I only mattered, I only contributed to society in a meaningful way, if and when I got a gorgeous gal on my arm, got married, and was the social media envy of all the hundred plus folks who follow me on Insta (so few folks on there because I hate social media. No other comment other than yeah, I just super dislike it. It’s the Devil, in fact.).
But God has taken hold of this idol, thanks in lieu to the extra time (and still money, cue Chance’s “Blessings”) afforded me during the end of the world, in order to tell me it isn’t the end of the world UNTIL I find “the one.” In fact, I can very well be at the start of something much better; a life truly and fully dedicated to God, dedicated to myself, and so, in turn, better and less manipulatively dedicated to others around me.
The treasures we store up in heaven we store up not out of desperation, not out of neediness, not out of clinginess. The treasures we store up we get out of altruistic love, genuine and wholehearted concern, and without any subtle or covert strings attached.
I’ll know I’m ready for “the one” when I believe I am “the one” for some lovely lady.
Yet, what does the world have to say about this? What kind of lessons do we learn about codependency, and its equally unhealthy counterpart, independence?
Oh boy… here we go.
A Star is Born? Check.
Garden State? Check (this one hurts).
Her? Check (this one hurts WAY MORE).
Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Kinda check.
The Spectacular Now? Super check.
500 Days of Summer? Check, but… critiquing it nonetheless.
Slumdog Millionaire? Check, but I don’t care. It’s freaking amazing as a story.
Say Anything? Check.
The following is a list of romance movies, yes. But that’s not what I’m checking. I “checked” all of these because each of these films broadcast some level of codependency between the couples in the film. The girls say “ahh, that’s so sweet” or the guys say “this crap never works in real life (ok, maybe it’s just this bitter guy).” Or, the girls say “no women are actually like this” and the guys say “where’s my Summer/Sam/Manic pixie dream girl that, in the words of Tom Haverford’s sister in 500 Days of Summer, “likes all the bizarro crap you do!”
All of these films are more guy centric. Ish. And so they appeal to this dude a lot more than let’s say… The Notebook (don’t even get me started). 10 Things I Hate About You (ok, this is actually a good one). Twilight, 50 Shades of Grey, Maid in Manhattan, While You Were Sleeping, Sleepless in Seattle (why they all gotta be sleeping?!?).
All of these films are catered to an audience, male or female generally targeted, who struggle with some level of codependency. With feeling like “if only I had a dreamy Gosling” or “if only I met an adorkable Zooey” or “if only someone knew what I was feeling or thinking all the time, then I would be happy.” Put another way, I think we codependaholics want our particular brand of a sexy “genie” (a different spin on “soul mate”).
From one recovering codependaholic (making it a word now) to others out there, these messages are, pardon my French, frankly bull shit. And have kept up trapped from revealing the truth God wants to speak into our hearts. The very truth that would break us free from this trap.
“You are already complete. You are already desirable. You are already Beloved.”
Easier said than done to believe these things, but hey, better to struggle to believe in these things than to outright ignore them like I have done for years.
But wait a minute… there’s a huge demographic we are missing here. Above I addressed, stereotypically at least, the “majority” of women and sappy romantic dudes like myself (freaking type 4, yeesh). And if we have talked about codependency at length, what about the other side? The independaholics?
This archetype is more traditionally seen as masculine. Desirable, “dark,” aloof, mysterious, interesting, reckless, wild.
The freak from The Breakfast Club. James Franco as “the freak” in Freaks & Geeks. James Bond. Indiana Jones. Han Solo. Essentially, any character played by Harrison Ford.
These characters often draw the interest of the damsel in distress, might even stop by to be a decent partner for say… a few days at a time. But then they leave or push their lady away, off on their own adventure of appeasing a distant father, chasing that impossible career accolade, or whatever might be their meritocratic, “pull yourself up” metric of manliness.
To be clear, real quick here; what I have stereotyped above is just as damaged or broken as my “where’s the woman who will complete me” tendency. Although I am on a journey of having less ire toward this archetype of a male, I am starting to see he is just as needy and flawed as me. Not more, not less. We both are just trying to find our masculinity in the wrong ways.
Even still, we are ignoring a small if getting larger populace; the independaholic woman. As the patriarchy loses more and more legitimacy, more and more self-reliant women are displayed not only in media but in real life advancement. Gone are the assumptions that the worth of a woman are her physical attractiveness, childrearing potential, and meek and mild personality. Well, definitely not quite gone, but losing some steam anyway. Yet, even then, she needs love too. But not necessarily the love of a man. A love of a God who, although cherishing her self-sufficient disposition, still wishes to communicate and speak clearly what her soul needs to hear. What the independaholic male needs to hear too:
“You are more than what you do. More than what you think. More than whose respect you gain. You are my Beloved.”
As you can see, whether you are a codependaholic, independaholic, man, or woman, what God really wants you to know, what will help you live from who you are rather than from who you wish you were or from what you think you ought to be, is believing that God loves you.
It’s so trite, so obvious, so absurd in its simplicity. Yet riddle me this; we all believe God loves us in our heads. We’ve read all the verses, listened to all the eloquent sermons, heard all the heart-stirring songs about it.
But answer, honestly; does your heart believe it is Beloved? That before you wake, before you were conceived, before the beginning of the ages, God as Father, as Son, and as Spirit loved you passionately and completely? Before you are too quick to answer, how completely do you believe it? Trust it? Depend on it?
I know that I don’t. Not fully anyway. But I believe it better than I did yesterday. And I think I’ll believe it better tomorrow too.
I love the film Drive. It is what I’d call an avant garde action movie. In another way, it’s actually kind of a fairy tale, according to director Nicolas Winding Refn. Now before you roll your eyes at my artsy pretentiousness, let me tell you this; this film actually portrays love well.
Ish.
Without spoiling too much of the thing, the primary character, definitely a stereotypically independaholic and played to stoic lineless perfection by the dreamy Ryan Gosling (I get it ladies, I really do). He’s a mechanic, he’s super quiet. He’s got a killer grin that stops the “damsel in distress” in her tracks.
Yet he does what is right. Even though he doesn’t need her, doesn’t do any sweepingly romantic gestures, doesn’t say “you complete me” (talk about codependent, HOLY CRAP), he does right by her. Again, I don’t want to spoil it. Go see it because it is incredible. But I want to point out how, in the film, Gosling’s “Driver” character (he literally has no name, talk about “mysterious”) develops from a fully independent character to an interdependent character.
He doesn’t need the lady he fancies, but he does what is right by her because he understands that she provides him some value and meaning. Key word, some.
Interdependence isn’t trending on Twitter like it should be. I’m psyched that Brene Brown’s vulnerability thing took off and we are still learning the wisdom in that (I’ve been doing vulnerability before it was cool… when it was still super uncool), but there’s so much we can learn from understanding interconnectivity.
Archetypally, in America, women struggle with “codependency” and men are praised for independence. No matter what women do, they are doing it wrong. Another blog for another time. But from a dude who struggles with codependency, I am slighted in this capacity too. I’ve gone on and on at length about masculinity in a three part series I will leave right here, but suffice to say, the pull yourself by your bootstraps mentality doesn’t even help the dudes who pull their bootstraps up well.
The implicit message there is that manliness is about what you do, how you succeed, and that you don’t need anybody to get to the place where you’ve suddenly arrived. More French incoming; bull shit.
We are all dependent on one another. The go-getter who started super poor and is now seven figures needed a system to be built in a given way in order for him to ascend the way he did. Additionally, there were likely many factors that helped the ascent: race, gender, personality, etc.
There’s no self-made man, no man that comes from an island. No man is a literal “god.” LeBron James had an incredible coach, wonderfully caring friends and families around him which greatly aided his ascent to become one of the greatest basketball players of all time. Michael Jordan had more variables in his favor; two loving parents, competitive older siblings, attending North Carolina University, etc etc. Steph Curry had even more; his dad was in the NBA, was himself a famous 3 point shooter, and supported Steph completely throughout his son’s own ascent.
All three of these players are amazing (as I’m listening to Kanye’s Amazing right now). But they needed other things on their way to the top. Even on the court, MJ didn’t get a ring without Pippen, LeBron didn’t get it without a Wade or a Kyrie, and Curry sure as hell wasn’t the only splash brother with absurdly good shooting prowess.
What about the archetypal man’s man? The one that a third of the world claims to follow as Lord and Savior? Was He codependent, independent, or interdependent?
You already know the answer. He Himself said He only did what He saw His Father doing. I might even argue that the only truly “healthy” codependent relationship He or any other human being can have is with God as Father. They say there’s no atheists in a foxhole, not even the most independent, self-assured, accomplished macho male. When the shit hits the fan, really, really hits the fan, the vast majority of us, the most needy, clingy types (reluctantly raises his hand) or the most self-possessed, self-assured types throw up some kind of prayer to someone upstairs hoping it sticks. It’s why Paul says God’s power is made perfect in weakness.
To land this plane all the more, let’s say we put this stuff on a scale of 0 to 10. Hypothetically, 0 is the most independent, Han Solo winking assured dude and 10 is the most needy, sulking Shakespearian unrequited dude (not that I’d have any experience with that or anything). 5 is the sweet spot of total interdependence. If you are more independent leaning, you probably land somewhere in the 2 or 3 range on an average day or week. And codependents like yours truly or likely in the 7 or 8 range.
So then, let’s work together, wherever you land, to get closer to that ideal “5” range of complete interdependence. Understanding our part well and doing it well but also how our part is just a piece of the total pie. Understanding that others’ part, whether it be the soul mate you pine for or even the BFF you rely on a bit too much, can only do so much for you, and that you must do for yourself what you so willingly do for others.
Independaholics, codependaholics, dude, dudette, whoever you are, we all need Jesus because we cling to other idols too tightly. I say this not in a moralizing, “c’mon, let’s do better” kind of way. I say it as someone who is squarely in the codependaholic space and who loves many fellow codependaholics and independaholics. We all think Jesus is the best in our heads but our hearts keep finding ways to return to their beloved idols. When really, what we need to help each other do is understand, deeply, our place in the Beloved embrace of God. What we need is to give God the space to heal and mend those very hearts, to remove the weight we have given to the idols that keep killing us.
It isn’t easy, it’s very painful, and it’s far from sexy and glamorous. But from one guy who is actively in process of open heart surgery from a kind and loving God, I will tell you that it gets better. I’m not sure when or if I will ever arrive in the culturally Christian way. I’m not even certain, per se, that I’ll get the gorgeous gal I’ve wanted ever since I was a nerdy, shy, “big feels” INFP little boy. But I’ve gained Christ. And I am gaining Christ. And I am losing the pain I’ve held myself hostage to for so long.
I hope you can do the same too.