The Most Important Component of Healthy Christian Dating
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
I was driving down Woodstock Boulevard, the sky as bleak as the conversation I was driving toward.
I was playing video games with the bestie when suddenly I got the cryptic text. It said “I’ve been listening to a podcast” and “I’ve been thinking about us” and “could we possibly meet up.”
The relationship was over, and the sting already struck. But now came the obligatory “this is why.”
We sat in her car, and being a sweet, mild mannered lady, she didn’t say anything initially. I just said, probably with a grumpy tone, “so what’s up.”
More or less, she had an intuition things wouldn’t work between us. Somehow that was more maddening and frustrating than “I just think you're ugly.” I even asked “well are you attracted to me” and she quickly said yes. I was so lost, so confused, so done.
“Well I really do hope the best for you. You’re a very lovely person.”
And I drove off. En route to the split I played my “Holy Jams” playlist filled with worship tunes and similarly themed happy and spiritual ish songs. I think a plethora of Bethel tunes and Hillsong songs comforted my reeling heart on the five minute commute.
But I definitely remember the first song post split. Chance the Rapper, the wonderful apostle from Chicago, reminded me God really loved me on his track “Town on the Hill.” It’s seriously one of the most underrated songs of my favorite modern MC. I bawled my eyes out, equal parts “she was so nice and so pretty” and/but “God really does love me.”
Looking back, one thing I respect is the context of the split. She could’ve done what way too many of us millennials do when we aren’t feeling a relationship/fling/“friendlationship;” either ghosted or texted.
She showed gusto to address what was going on in person, in spite of how scary it was to do. She gave me dignity when so many other 20 and 30 somethings give confusion.
She applied effort.
Christian dating in a post Christian city is so complicated. I could probably write 10,000 words alone about all the layers of the confusion. The variables would include but are not limited to: purity culture, porn use, appropriate degrees of affection, dating within community groups, gender roles, friendlationships (essentially, no overt physical intimacy but WAY too much emotional intimacy in a not dating context).
It’s a swirling amalgam of “well I want someone who loves Jesus like I do” and “I’ve got to think they’re pretty hot” and “could we hang out and have a good time pretty easily.”
But as many urban cities grow in their “none” and “done” ness spiritually, finding authentic, romantic, and meaningful dating relationships centered on Jesus is hard. Really freaking hard.
A lot of well intentioned folks are walking away from church. I totally get it. So many essays I’ve written are hunting after the “whys” of church absences. Yet at the same time, a lot of not so Christian influences are spreading into the dating world for Christians.
A lot of adapting to the times of Netflix and chill. A lot of fudging on deeply held values. And a lot of urban, well-meaning, genuine Christian twenty and thirty somethings getting pushed further out into the “singlehood”margins.
I go to a large church. Mega, one might say. So dating should be easy, right? A few charming four minute talks and coffee dates and sitting together at church and then riding off to the sunset. Right?
Wrong. First off, yours truly is insanely introverted. Even after the heartfelt appeal from the staff of “if you attend this church, you are now a host to newcomers,” I’m only recently not having to go to the bathroom during the greet your neighbor time. I love icebreakers, even something as silly as what’s your favorite color. But sometimes “hey, how’s it going?” feels harder than “what’s your thoughts on climate change?”
Second, the post dating interactions after attempted dating within the same church are so strange. If the dating didn’t last long it’s less bizarre, but still. It’s hard to focus on worship and sermons and prayers if the hottie a few pews down said “I’m not into you, sorry.” Let’s just be real. I’ve been on both ends. It’s not enjoyable either way.
Third, for those extra holy congregants plugged into community groups, it’s an unwritten rule to not necessarily date within the group. If things happen to go south, it could splinter the group and/or make one or both of the members feel like they ought to leave.
On this point of community, this too is essential for anyone in stages of singleness or who have chosen celibacy. There is no such thing as a Christian in isolation. Only in fellowship and communion with other believers can the ache of loneliness be temporarily relieved. This coupled with extra time devoted to prayer, solitude, stillness, and other spiritual disciplines often sacrificed on the altar of the ideal relationship.
Yet with all of this context, what can Christian singles do? How can they be more successful in relationships, even if the desired outcome of a long term relationship aren’t met? How can Christians date well in a society that is becoming less and less Christian?
I’m surprised about how “effort” is the word that encompasses all of the tenets of healthy dating. Normally I dislike “here’s a list of” essays or “four steps to” articles. And yet, it really seems effort is the key to holistic dating.
In the drive to hustle and bustle, travel here and get promoted there, sleep with this person there and ghost the person over there, dating has gotten very impersonal.
With the swiping culture all but firmly established, we really do think 90% about ourselves when we date online. At least I do.
Effort is minimal at best. I tend to redownload Bumble first because I like that I don’t have to initiate. I’m just being honest.
Yet herein lies why dating seems so impossible at times in the 2010s and now 2020s. If everything is so low risk, it stands to reason it is also low reward.
But I know so many people who want to get married. Not because they’re desperately codependent, not because they want to have sex and not feel ashamed about it.
God said it wasn’t good to be alone. He also goes at length in Scripture about how hard it is to live life well “not alone.” Wanting genuine love points to a healthy desire for intimacy. The Trinitarian God yearns on our behalf for us to find suitable partners. But it requires hard work. And a lot of effort.
Love is predicated on effort. No one half heartedly falls madly in love. No marriages last several decades without a lot of blood, sweat, and tears.
In order to love well, we have to date well. This means putting forth effort to let down that nice guy or girl gently with a call and NOT a text (if you saw each other once or twice, I’d say a text is fine). This means respecting that if the affection we have toward another isn’t met, we still need to treat them with dignity and assume the best about them. This means understanding that God understands how messy, confusing, frustrating, and heartbreaking our efforts to find romantic love can be. This means bringing Him our anguish, our desire, and our hearts, even after months or years of closed doors and dashed hopes.
This one’s for me as much as it is for you. Let’s date well even when it’s hard, and then, maybe in that, let’s let the world see how the people of God can handle break-ups, fights, and “shut downs” in a healthy way which gives dignity and respect to all people and points to a loving God who desires for all people to love one another well.