Self-Control is Surrendering Control
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
It was summer time. And not the ghastly, 90 degrees or hotter summer time. Highest it got was 80, the lowest right around 60. I was dog sitting for a cute little pooch and a cute old pooch. The house was nice and Portland-y, and the extra money was nice.
But I hit rock bottom. Looking near the tv, I counted four cans. From that day. Many, many more from days prior.
I just needed something to numb with. The big feels were particularly big, and they were particularly sad. They say alcohol is a depressant, but it is also a close friend to a cold heart.
The rest of the evening just went further downhill. I called a good friend later, the kind of friend who convicts with kindness and questions rather than shame and advice, and he commiserated. This he had done a few times. This he had regretted immediately afterward. This he wanted me to experience not alone.
I have found that all my issues with self control are rooted in a desire to have control. Control of circumstances. Control of feelings. Control of relationships. Often all three at once.
Sometimes we assume integrity is synonymous with a lack of struggle. We think moral impeccability comes naturally for some and not for others. Or at least, that those who struggle less are somehow more righteous than those who struggle a lot. I don’t think that’s true like I used to believe. I think integrity is more about admitting struggle, surrendering your own ego’s defense against changed behavior/thinking, and rallying around allies whose deepest desire is for your behavior to change because your heart has changed.
This is the fruit of the Spirit I always felt the deepest lack all my life. Even when I was younger, I devoured entire rows of chip ahoy and Oreo cookies, demolished entire large bags of spicy nacho Doritos, and drank multiple cans of Dr. Pepper (yet remained undiabetic somehow). I played endless hours of Call of Duty and Halo (in the good ole days of COD4 and H3), scrolled through MySpace updating my top 4 constantly, and went into emotional hibernation, isolation, and self-sabotage.
All of these things, though not intrinsically “wrong,” were my way of suppressing the constant idea of my being “wrong.” I thought I lacked something inside so I “filled” with greasy chips, digital killstreaks, and message notifications. Substitute chips and killstreaks for porn and alcohol, replace a need to be popular with a need to belong, and you have the same story of the same boy trying to make sense of being so “different.” The deceptive thing is believing behavior connotes interior realities, but even the best behaved most self-controlled people might be a menace to themselves within.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized self control has more to do with surrendering more than gritting your teeth harder. It is more about letting go of control rather than hyper focusing on control. In fact, the best way to start working on self control is admitting you have no control.
All along in those years I didn’t know how to say no. I didn’t know if I could say no. I didn’t know if I wanted to say no. And I didn’t know what other things I might say yes too.
Self-control, in its Godly form, is about enabling us to more freedom, not constraining us to more slavery.
Children have little impulse control. A shocking insight I know, but after all these years working with little ones, I’m still surprised about some of the wild things they do when triggered.
I never expect any of my guys to change overnight. It’s a full blown miracle if it’s better in a few weeks. And usually, tangible difference isn’t noticed until a few months later.
Yet when we add decades to our lives, trauma to our bodies, and wounds to our souls, we still expect instant change. We think “I’ll always be addicted to fill in the blank” after a minor slip-up, let alone a full relapse. We are merciless on ourselves, quick to point out all our faults, and hesitant to accept encouragement from others unless we are flawless by our own standards.
We expect to change so we can get grace, rather than receiving grace which causes change.
Self-control requires surrender to God’s will for our betterment. This doesn’t mean we sit on our hands and expect God to change us without effort. But it does mean that meaningful change only occurs when we rely on the God who provides meaning.
Yet, this is all theoretical. What are tangible, pragmatic, still grace soaked ways to practice self control?
For starters, be honest with yourself and your own limits. It’s taken me years to understand that, at least for the time being and in this season of my life, I can’t justify buying alcohol in cases (except for group occasions). Put simply, while I find no fault with buying one good can of quality beer after a hard day’s work, from experience and awareness, I just can’t handle a six pack. For you, however, it could be something as simple as setting timers on social media. Limiting three cups of coffee to two. Gaming for half an hour rather than an hour. Netflixing less, YouTubing less, Tik-Toking less, whatever it might be, often reduction coupled with hard and fast rules helps break dependence on unhealthy coping habits.
Second, attempting control with the encouragement and participation of another. No one improves through their own self will. No man or woman is an island. Jesus Himself said He only did what He saw His Father doing. Changing behavior alongside and coordinated with another person provides potential not only for self-improvement but a deepening connection with that person. This is definitely not the same thing, however, as more “traditional” standards of accountability. This doesn’t mean listening to your well-intentioned friend guilt tripping you for watching porn while he didn’t. This isn’t some sort of twisted moral competition for who cares more about God’s commandments. This is about understanding a shared kind of weakness and a shared desire for real freedom. We should definitely praise improvement, but we can never shame a relapse.
Lastly, stop arguing with God and time about when you will find complete healing. Although 90 days is the known duration of time to change a habit, if that habit developed over decades, you can’t expect it to change in days. God, contrary to what many were taught, understands and empathizes with human weakness. He didn’t tell the woman caught in adultery to leave her life of sin to not be condemned; He rescued her from those who would condemn her then gently commanded her to abandon the identity she formerly held. God speaks identity over His kids, assuming that through trusting Him and what He thinks of us, we can change and stop doing what destroys us.
Self-control is a dirty phrase, ironically, in our “you do you” postmodern world, yet it actually promotes greater freedom. Porn addiction is bondage. Alcoholism is a prison. Social media competition is another term for torturing the soul. Breaking the chains of these coping habits liberates us to be who we really are in Christ.
No longer bound by self-preserving alcohol addiction, we can provide empathy where the beer brought depression. Shattering the chains of porn enables a deeper desire to love and pursue those we love with greater passion. Fleeing from the rat-race of chasing followers ensures that you give quality time to your true friends, your true fans, your true allies.
Trusting limits God provides us via the Scriptures and our own awareness of self is God’s gateway to helping us become the greatest kind of His image-bearers. We can only be who we are if we let go of who we are not. God is not a faulty designer, but He does believe in tweaks and tune-ups of His children so that they might return to what He has designed from the beginning.
Therefore, self-control, under God’s direction, is only one of many means to self-actualize who God made your True Self to be. Self-control allows you to deny your False Self, and to rid yourself of tendencies, lies, and mantras which the enemy uses to steal, kill, and destroy you.
Self-control, simply put, is surrendering control to a good God who only wants the best for you and your heart.